I sit alone with a box that encapsulates my life

I found this post which I had not published. It's from early July. My how things change in a few months. Everyone has their dark periods though.

I started working on a slideshow for a friend. There was a date I needed to remember and I couldn't recall it. So I pulled out my box of letters; at least that is the best way to describe it.

It's full of letters, cards, wedding announcements, birth announcements, graduation announcements, emails, gift tags, wedding invitations, thank you cards and programs. I found the date I was looking for amongst so much of my past.

Things I had forgotten, things I don't want to remember and things that made me cry are all in one place.

This week had already been introspective with me finishing my first intern rotation. Monday I start a new job. I have been here for a year.

All these things collided tonight. All the things in the box reminds me of everything I've left behind in my life. Some of it I was glad to be rid of and other things I wish I'd never turned my back on.

My question for myself is how do you learn to be at peace with it all. I can't fix it but I'm so afraid that I've ruined all my chances. I think I've ruined any chance I ever had of having real love in my life.

I miss so many people right now. I miss my Dzaidziu. I have his Balalika in my room. One small piece of him I have left. But inanimate objects can't keep you company.

I miss Russ. I wrote him an email a while ago and he hasn't responded. I don't even know if he got the message. I don't even know if he's ok. I hope he's happy. I hope he's all right. I hope he's still writing. I wish I had met him in person. I wish I could have looked into his eyes and seen the beautiful person I only knew from text on a computer screen.

I was reading old blog entries. I'm still a broken person. I know why I'm alone right now. I know how I've screwed up all my relationships; especially the last one. I see clearly what I couldn't before and I know the biggest mistake I've made in relationships is that I've always expected that the other person knew what I wanted.

I also know I didn't ask for what I needed. I just expected them to give it to me. I expected that because they loved me they would know what I needed and wanted from them. But I was wrong on two counts. He didn't love me and he didn't know what I wanted or needed.

I simply said good-bye and hoped that they didn't want it to end. That they wanted me in their life. That I had meant something to them.